I have worked with straight and gay couples for a very long time and over the years I have come to realize that people know very little about sex. As open as we would like to think we are in the twenty-first, people are still too closed to talk about sex. The guy who knows all the sex-jokes and who entertains everybody around the campfire is also the guy that knows the least, and probably the one who gets the least. You should think that it is much easier to get a book about sex in our time. I mean, you can order it over the internet and nobody will know right? Well, for some reason, people do not order the books, or they do not read them, because in my experience most people just think they know something.
John Gray author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus says that men rarely ask for advice. Apparently it is a male thing; we have to give the impression that we know it all for the sake of our very sensitive egos. Unfortunately the result is that men do not learn much more than the information available on the street. Straight men are the worst, because in their case they also need to know how a woman’s body works. If you try to satisfy a woman with the information you experienced from your own body, information on the street, or by watching porno movies you’re screwed. At least gay men have the advantage that they do not have to understand a woman’s body, but giving pleasure and receiving pleasure isn’t the same thing so they also need to learn a few things.
Why this massive introduction to the question on how to get a loving partner? The answer lies in the fact that men compartmentalize; they know the art of having sex without love, and loving without sex. Sex without love is purely physical, but loving and almost spiritual sex is something that you can only have if you truly love somebody. For the record, if you ever had truly spiritual sex, you wouldn’t be satisfied with any other kind again. So, if you want to find a loving partner you will have to learn a few things about great sex. Male relationships start with sex and ends in love; female relationships start with love and ends with sex – that’s why so many straight relationships struggle with sex. In fact, most divorces in straight relationships are either because of bad sex or some kind of addiction – mostly alcohol. As a gay man you have to understand that sexual attraction would be the first barrier to get over.
The next problem you have when you are looking for a loving gay relationship with a man is that the guy you are interested in might be interested in you as well, but is he interested in sex or love – because remember, men can keep those apart. If you see hearts and he sees cocks you’re in trouble, you should know because for most of us it happens the other way around as well. If you meet somebody you could love, but you do not find them physically attractive you’re screwed as well. It gets complicated doesn’t it? You are looking for a guy that you are physically and emotionally attracted to and it has to be the same for him as well. That narrows the playing field a bit, and since most people are straight the field is already very narrow as it is.
So should you give up before you begin? Not necessarily, but you will have to learn how to handle rejection and how to reject sympathetically. Most importantly, you have to realize that sex without love wouldn’t satisfy you for more than 15 minutes and love without sex wouldn’t satisfy you at all. So how do you find both in the same man?
That would be the theme of the next article I will write.
Read more about gay and lesbian relationships from Cobragay:
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Dr. Brand Doubell, is a sexologist, life coach, and relationship therapist. He is co-owner and founder of the Cobrastone marriage program, the Cobragay group for helping gay people with rejection, and The Happy Clinic. His interests ranges from positive psychology to the effect of stories on healthy adapted individuals, and from gay-rights to gay spiritualism.