Kink Shaming

A few night ago, on an online platform, I saw someone kink shaming. I was kinda shocked as I didn’t think that short of shit still went on in our community. Because, lets be honest, anything be can be a kink if you want it to be. Want someone to show Lego pieces up your back passage because it gives you a massive boner? Go for it! Want someone to just stroke your head as you watch reruns of the Golden Girls with your favourite remote butt plug doing its best? Well, hit play baby! What ever turns you on is not there to be judged or made fun of.

Reading the kink shaming exchange has lead me to write this. Actually it lead me to think about how much I enjoyed being here and how I’m going to start coming back, and that lead me to write this!

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Kink shaming, that ugly little gremlin lurking in our otherwise wonderful community, peeking out from the dark corners of our favourite gay bars, Pride festivals, and late-night hook-up app scrolls.

Now, before you clutch your pearls, let’s get something straight (well, not too straight). We’re all guilty of it at some point. Maybe you’ve rolled your eyes at a puppy mask, giggled at a guy with a fetish for rubber suits, or side-eyed the man who loves to be tied up like he’s the missing character from Fifty Shades of Gay.

But darling, the truth is that kink shaming is not only a mood killer—it’s just plain rude. And here’s the kicker: it’s so unnecessary. Our community, the rainbow glitter fest that it is, has faced enough judgment from the outside world. Do we really need to start judging each other for what turns us on?

My Kinky Journey (Or: I Can’t Believe I Just Admitted This)

Let me tell you a little story. One night, I’m chatting up this hunky guy—beard, hairy chest, the works. We get on the topic of fantasies, and he casually mentions that he likes a bit of role play. I’m thinking, “Okay, that’s normal.” But then he drops the bombshell: he likes to pretend he’s a butler and get spanked for forgetting to bring the silver tray.

I’ll admit, I had a moment where my brain short-circuited. But then I remembered that once*, I may have dabbled in the art of being…well, let’s just say a very obedient pet. Who was I to judge? If I wanted acceptance, shouldn’t I extend the same courtesy to him?

The Dark Side of Shaming

Look, it’s easy to laugh at something you don’t understand. But when that laugh turns into a sneer or a comment like, “Ew, I could never,” it starts cutting deeper than you might realise. Kink shaming makes people feel weird, isolated, and unaccepted. And in a community that’s supposed to be about pride, acceptance, and finding the freedom to express our most authentic selves, that just seems…well, like a major buzzkill.

Remember that time you got shamed by someone for your love of RuPaul’s Drag Race?** That’s how it feels when you tell someone their rope harness collection is “too weird.” Or worse, when you treat them like a social outcast because they like a little puppy play in the bedroom. You wouldn’t want your partner to judge you for owning all the glitter eye shadow from Sephora, so why judge him for owning a few paddles?

Let’s Talk About the ‘K’ in Kink

Kink is like a buffet. Some of us are here for the oysters, some of us are here for the cheesecake, and some of us (don’t look at me) will sneak a little from every dish. And hey, that’s perfectly okay! Just because you don’t want to be gagged, blindfolded, and tickled while listening to Cher’s Greatest Hits doesn’t mean that the guy next to you can’t dream about it.

Our sexualities and preferences are what make each of us unique and special. And, trust me, the last thing the world needs is for gay men to start turning on each other. We’ve all been through enough, haven’t we?

How We Can Be Better (And Still Get Off)

So, how do we make things better without feeling like we’re sacrificing our humour or taste? Well, for starters, let’s bring back the golden rule we learned in kindergarten: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all. Or at least, reframe it: If you wouldn’t want him shaming your love for that specific category of online entertainment (you know the one), don’t shame him for his kinks.

Instead of judging someone’s kinks, why not ask questions and learn? It doesn’t mean you have to participate, but understanding can be the bridge between “Ew” and “Oh, that’s your thing? Cool!” And you might just find that being open-minded leads to more connections and better bedroom fun.

Embrace the Weird, Embrace the Kinky

Let’s face it—being gay is already kind of magical. We’re basically unicorns with a shared love for pop divas and a strong preference for short shorts. Why not add a little more sparkle by embracing the kinkier side of our community? You might just find that a little role play or rope tying can spice up your life in ways you never expected. (Just make sure to have a safe word.)

But… Kink Shaming vs. Critical Thinking: Know the Difference!

Let’s clear up a little confusion, shall we? When we talk about kink shaming, we’re talking about judging someone for their sexual preferences or interests in the bedroom. It’s that eye roll, that “Ew, gross,” or that awkward, “What’s wrong with you?” when someone mentions they enjoy a particular kink. It’s dismissive, hurtful, and shuts down any chance for genuine connection or understanding. In short, kink shaming is like throwing shade when no one asked for it. It leaves people feeling judged and rejected for what gets them going.

Now, critical thinking about a kink is a whole different ball game. It’s about approaching a particular kink with curiosity and a desire to understand, rather than jumping straight to judgment. It means asking questions like, “What’s the appeal for you?” or “How do you make sure everyone involved is comfortable and safe?” It’s about considering the dynamics, potential risks, and consent involved. It’s like asking, “So, you like being tied up? Cool, let’s make sure you’ve got a safe word.”

The key difference? One is about being judgmental; the other is about being thoughtful. Kink shaming is rooted in discomfort or disgust, whereas critical thinking is about wanting to understand where someone’s coming from while ensuring everything is healthy and consensual. It’s not about agreeing with every kink out there; it’s about respecting people’s right to explore their desires safely and without judgment. After all, we’re all here to have a good time—no need to ruin the party with negativity!

So the next time you see that guy at the club in full leather gear or hear about someone’s obsession with feet, try to remember: life’s too short to yuck someone else’s yum. And who knows? Maybe that hunky guy with the butler fetish has some secrets that could make your nights a lot more interesting.

Kink on, kings!

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*Okay okay, it was more than once!

**Utterly awful show! But if you like it, so be it, you do you.