Why Having Sex with Your Friends Should Be No Big Deal

Picture this: You’re chilling with your best mate, watching Netflix (no, actually watching it this time), sharing a few drinks, and suddenly one thing leads to another. Before you know it, you’re getting to know each other a little more intimately. You both have a good laugh about it afterward and go back to your usual friendship routine the next day, no awkwardness, no drama. Sound familiar? If not, let’s chat about why this scenario shouldn’t be such a big deal.

In the gay community, we often find ourselves operating outside of traditional norms—so why not challenge the awkward stigma around having sex with our friends? Sure, hetero folks might treat their friendships like they’ve got an electric fence keeping out anything remotely sexual, but we’re a bit more, shall we say, liberated in our thinking. And honestly, shouldn’t we be?

A History of Good Friends

Look, gay men have been blurring the lines between friends and lovers since forever. It’s practically tradition at this point! Before dating apps, Grindr, and the invention of “no strings attached,” we relied on our networks, which included (you guessed it) our friends. There’s comfort in familiarity, and, hey, there’s nothing like knowing the person you’re hooking up with is safe and trustworthy. And let’s not ignore the safety net of friendships when it comes to sexual health and boundaries—it’s a lot easier to communicate your needs and limits with someone who already gets you. According to research, trust and communication are the bedrock of healthier sexual relationships.

My ex and I broke up on good terms and the sex was good. We’d been friend before we became partners and when we split up we remained friends. Sex between us became a thing until we both found other partners. Once the conversation around sex and our likes and dislikes had been had with the new partner it would often lead to threesomes, and my ex would be my first port of call.  Yes, some partners found it weird but explanations and consent always worked well.

It’s Not Weird—You’re Weird for Thinking It’s Weird

In an era where dating apps often feel like a quick trip to the local meat market, why is the idea of a little extracurricular activity with our friends so scandalous? We’ve already normalised living with our exes, sharing skincare routines, and taking thirst traps for each other. And yet, throw in some consensual fun between buddies, and suddenly, people act like you’ve broken some unspoken rule of friendship. Please!

Writer Zachary Zane sums it up perfectly when he writes about how important it is for queer people to build their own relationship structures . He notes that “there’s no rule book for queer relationships, and that’s exactly why they can be so liberating.” So, why restrict ourselves to the rigid categories of ‘friend’ or ‘lover’? The ability to find intimacy in our friendships—whether emotional, sexual, or both—can be one of the healthiest things about being queer.

The Benefits of “Friendly” Benefits

Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty: there are actually a few perks to mixing friendship with a little bedroom action. For one, you already trust each other, so there’s less of that weird post-hookup energy that happens when you don’t really know someone. You don’t have to worry about accidentally finding out that they’re a Gemini* after the deed is done.

Plus, because you already have a connection, you’re more likely to have open conversations about boundaries and preferences—something that’s often lacking in more casual hookups. Sex educator Dr. Justin Lehmiller talks about how friends-with-benefits relationships can thrive on communication and mutual respect, making them more sustainable than purely anonymous hookups . And, honestly, why wouldn’t you want to enjoy a good time with someone who already knows your favourite ice cream flavour and, uh, your other preferences?

Dispelling the Drama

“But what about the drama?” I hear some of you whispering through your screens. Sure, things can get messy if someone catches feelings or if there’s a mismatch in expectations. But that’s true in any kind of relationship. If you can have a mature conversation about where you stand and what you both want, it can be just as easy to maintain the friendship while occasionally spicing things up. And if it gets complicated? Well, most adult friendships have their bumps, but it’s not like we don’t have practice navigating them.

Besides, queer friendships have always been about more than just hanging out and trading brunch recommendations. They’ve been a space to explore and express different parts of ourselves, without judgment or societal pressure. Normalising sex between friends doesn’t mean every friendship has to come with a side of wink-wink nudge-nudge, but it means recognising that it can be an option without all the guilt, shame, or assumptions that something’s gone “wrong.”

Let’s Talk About It

If we’re going to normalise this, we need to talk about it openly. Let’s stop with the whispers and side-eyes, and instead, embrace the fact that every friendship is different. Just like some of us love sports, some of us prefer art, and some of us will never stop quoting Mean Girls, some of us might enjoy a bit of physical bonding with our friends, and that’s okay. 

Maybe the future of friendship is a little more flexible, a little more fun, and a lot more comfortable with pushing the boundaries of what society expects. So next time you and your bestie find yourselves feeling a little frisky after happy hour, just remember: you’re not breaking any rules. You’re just rewriting them. 

And in a world that often asks us to fit into uncomfortable boxes, isn’t that what being queer is all about?

Now, go forth and enjoy your friendships—however you see fit!

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Sources:

1. Communication & Trust in Sexual Relationships: A Study, The Journal of Sexual Health, 2020

2. Zane, Zachary. “Queer People Are Redefining Relationships—And That’s a Good Thing.” The Advocate, 2019.

3. Lehmiller, Justin. “Friends with Benefits: The Good, the Bad, and the Potentially Ugly.” Psychology Today, 2021.

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*I’m a gemini before you start shit posting me!